Living In the Past
by Abigail-Nicole
Summary: Thirteen yeaars ago, nothing could have seperated them. Now everything has changed. What is the price of love? Impersonation is a dangerous game, especially in love. Continuation on Snowlily's, SiriusArabella, end of GoF, AU.
1. Prologue: Standing By Pride

******************

Prologue to Living in the Past

Standing by Pride 

~Snowlily

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November 5, 1987

As I walk through the streets of Diagon Alley, I feel people's gazes rest on me. 

They pity me.

Well they should try and remember this- I don't want their pity; I don't want their sympathy. I don't care what they think. I don't care if they think I'm crazy. I thrust my head into the air, and narrow my eyes. I glare at every one of them, one by one. "What do you want?" I snarl at them. 

They may be wondering what happened to the carefree, outgoing, and nonchalant part of me… Well then they should figure it out by themselves. He is what happened. It's all His fault. He took away my heart; he tore it to shreds. He took away my best friend, and he took away my hope. 

But there's still one thing that nobody can steal. Pride. I will live on…I will survive… I won't bury myself in a hole and hide from my fears. I won't lie to myself and say that everything's okay. But I'll hold on to my pride. That's the only thing that He can't steal from me. I'll ignore those people who try to taunt me, and I'll ignore those who try to pity me.

They don't know how it feels, they say they feel my pain, but they don't. Nobody can feel my pain. They didn't experience it; they didn't go through what I did… Why do they even waste their time trying to understand?

I don't know why He did this to me. What happened to what we had? …Because we definitely had something. I fiddle with the engagement ring on my finger. It's beautiful… my favorite colors. It's silver, encrusted with emerald jewels and an enchantment to make it sparkle in the sunlight. Why did he give this to me? Was he already planning their deaths when he proposed to me? Did he realize that he would be spending the rest of his life locked up, when he sold them to death? …Did he even care?

I wonder why I'm even thinking about these things. He must have not cared… not if he killed them. I throw the engagement ring to the hard cement floor in anger. "Why have you done this to me?!" I cry, ignoring the children's curious stares, and the adult's pity. I smash my foot into the ring, but the unbreakable charm keeps it together. I kick into it, and to my surprise it lets out a squeak. Words magically appear, coming from the ring. "I love you," it says… just the kind of spell that he would put on it. A solitary tear slides down my cheek. I wipe it away angrily while kicking the ring into the grass. I won't give in; defeat is not a word in my vocabulary. I'll get over him. I'll go on with my life without him by my side.

I won't surrender.

A/N: Continued by the brilliant Abigail Nicole. Thank you all so much for your amazing reviews. 

By the way, this was written in… what, 2001? Yeah, I was much younger then… that's my excuse…


	2. Chapter One: Shadowed Dreams

**Living in the Past  
Chapter One: Shadowed Dreams**

**Summary:** Thirteen yeaars ago, nothing could have seperated them. Now everything has changed. What is the price of love? Impersonation is a dangerous game, especially in love. Continuation on Snowlily's, Sirius/Arabella, end of GoF, AU. 

**Disclaimer:** The prologue belongs to the awesome, the wonderful, the beautiful Snowlily, as well as the ideas and majority of this chapter and the next one. All the characters belong to JK. 

* * *

I try, I always try—every day, I concentrate, I push myself, I scream at myself for thinking about Him. I do everything I can to forget about Him. Staring at this magazine, I can't see the words on the page; some trivial thing, something no one cares about—the latest song. My eyes lock onto that word and I give a strangled sound that might have been a laugh, once. I can't sing anymore, either. He stole that. 

But it doesn't work this time, it never works. I'm still left here, sitting alone at my kitchen table in the dark, staring down at a magazine I can't read. I push back my chair angrily, moving restlessly around the room. There is nothing to do, nothing to keep me away from my own thoughts. And He is my thoughts. 

_I hate you, Sirius!_ My mind screams. _I hate you! Look what you've done to me! You've ruined me, you bastard! You've ruined my fucking life! I hate you! _

But somewhere in the back of my mind, a nagging voice urges me on. _Do you really hate Him?_ the voice whispered._ No, Arabella. You love Him…He stole Lily, He stole your heart, He stole your song, He stole your _life,_ He stole your hope, and you still love him. _

I sit down on the couch, suddenly exhausted. Every bone in my body aches, cries out for rest, but there is no rest for me. I sit up straight, back not even touching the back of the couch. I will not give in for him. I might kill myself doing it, but I will not stop picking at this scab. He stole my life, but I will not lie down, I will not cry, I will not....

The thought fades, and I'm left, staring at the mantleplace, where the engagement ring sits in front of the mirror he gave me. The ring that still says he loves me. The mirror that shows me a bitter old woman. _He wouldn't love you if he saw you now,_ that annoying voice in the back of my head nags me. _You're hideous. Look at you. Haven't taken a shower in days, big black circles under your eyes, robes dirty and messy. You're a bitter old woman. _

I sit straight up, despite the weight of my heart pulling me down, despite the tears that are dying to escape, and somehow make my face into a semblance of calm. I hate him. _ I love him..._

* * *

"But, how will this affect Harry?" Remus was saying impatiently. I brushed it aside. "You know what it will do to Harry. We have to worry about protecting him more than anything else right now." I bit my lip. "I have to go to soon. I have to visit most of them before the night's out or Fudge will have the alert out." Remus looked at me silently with that penetrating look of his. "Do you have to visit her?" he asked quietly. I felt a pang…damn him for being right, once again. It had always been that way; Moony was always right, and we could never hide anything from him. That wasn't his real question, either. "It's not an issue," I said, but the lie in my voice screamed in the room. Remus looked at me and I knew he didn't believe me. 

"Right," he said carefully. "Well, what are we going to do to protect Harry? He's safe at the Dursleys, true, but that doesn't stop Voldemort from coming after him while he's somewhere else...school, for example. How do we protect him there? We'll have to set a watch, maybe—"

"Remus," I cut in suddenly, unable to hold it in any longer. "What happened to her?" 

Both Remus and I are silent, staring into each other's eyes. "Why don't you ask her yourself?" Remus asked quietly. 

I laughed. "Yeah, right. Think about this, Remus! I can't just go in there like nothing's happened and say 'Hey Bella, Voldemort's back,' when she still thinks I murdered Lily and James! She hates me. She'll probably think I've come back to kill her too! She'll call Fudge the second I come in. Hell, she might even try to kill me like Harry did last year!" I forced a laugh—it sounded bitter and cynical to my own ears. "I can't just go back. I can't. It's too late for that now. She probably hates me." 

"Listen to me. You have to do this. If not for yourself, just do it for her. She deserves to know what really happened. From you." 

Damn Remus and his noble altruistic tendencies. "Yeah, and what else? She'll kill me the minute I step into that door." I shook my head. "What happened to her?" 

Remus paused, but before he could tell me to ask her again, I said roughly: "What happened to Arabella, dammit!?" 

Remus paused again at the raw emotion in my voice, the desperation. God, what did I do to deserve this? The woman who holds my heart in her hand hates me and will kill me the moment I step into her line of vision. What a sad ironic joke. But for some reason, I'm not laughing. 

"She...still has your ring," Remus said carefully. I stared at him, hope beginning to rise, barely, imperceptibly, in my heart. She kept the ring. Oh Merlin, the ring I gave her, so long ago. "She wears it, sometimes." 

I stared at Remus, unable to speak, my voice somehow stuck in my throat. "She still loves you, Sirius," Remus said softly. "She thinks you're a Death Eater, and she hates herself for it, but she still loves you." 

I sink back in my chair. "You have to tell her the truth," Remus demanded. "You have to tell her." 

"And get myself killed?" I spat out, laughing bitterly. "Arabella's stubborn as a rock. She'd curse me just because she still loved me, and then get mad at herself because she wouldn't torture me first. She thinks I betrayed Lily and James and there's no way I'll talk her out of that." 

Remus was silent a moment, and a clock ticking in the background suddenly seemed to overpower the room. "You'll never know unless you talk to her," Remus said finally. "You have to see her sometime." 

Damn him. He's right and he knows it, and he knows that I know it. I stood up. "I'll go." 

* * *

_ All the world is a jest   
And all truth is some form of a lie   
We can't rely on anyone anymore   
And there was never anything to live for to begin with   
Look at what I am now   
This is how I think   
This is how I live each day   
And I hope you know you've ruined me   
And I hope you know I hate you   
And I hope you know I don't care at all _

You know I can't even talk about the pain I have inside   
There aren't even ways to say it   
But I'll never cry

This desolate land populated with soul-less bodies   
And heartless beings is all that I have to   
Console in and it's hard to believe that I used to have a heart

My love died a long time ago   
And I can't look at a rose anymore   
Without seeing all those thorns   
And I don't sing like I used to   
And the hope I once held is long gone

I have broken pieces of my dream   
Lying in the dirt at my feet   
Little invisible shards of memories   
And with my unprotected feet I trod on them   
And they cut into my skin   
And they stay there   
And I have that pain there forever 

I like to take long walks at night   
When it's pitch black and the air is cold and   
It makes me numb and insensitive to my mind   
Because that's the only time I can escape my thoughts   
And they're all made up of you 

I remember how you once took me dancing in the rain   
And how that was the first time   
You told me how much you loved me   
And I used to love the rain   
I let it fall into my mouth   
And wash away all the fear   
And it rained the other day   
But I didn't dance at all   
I watched it from my window   
And I didn't smile   
But I heard it pelting against my window   
Like it was trying to reach me and make me feel it   
And I almost laughed scornfully at all the memories it brought   
All those bitter memories that you left me with

Time is crawling outside my door   
Lingering like salty tears   
Released for the cause of loss   
And it makes me think of everything and you   
And though I've tried so hard   
I can't seem to forget you.

-by Xaviera Xylira 

* * *

The room was dark, shadows barely perceptible moving against the wall. Arabella stirred in her sleep, reaching across her bed in her sleep, reaching for something that wasn't there. Her hand stilled, and in the darkness, her eyes looked at her hand, reaching across her bed. Angrily, she clenched her fist. _No._

The room was silent, no noise perceptible but Arabella's rhythymic breathing. Somewhere in the distance, thunder boomed, and Arabella shivered and sat up. A soft tapping on her roof made her look up. Rain. It was raining. Her face contorted in pain as if she were trying to cry, then in anger she was trying to cry. _Anger because I'm crying or because I won't let myself cry?_ she thought, her thoughts laced with anguish. _Enough!_

Pushing her covers aside like they were strangling her, she angrily pulled herself out of bed, her bare feet loud against the hardwood floor, not even bothering to pull on a coat as she stormed down the hall and opened the front door. Rain streaked down her face, dampening her blue gown, matting down her hair as she walked down the sidewalk, not even caring who saw her, leaving her house door right open. Hair plastered around her face, the long black locks dampened and clinging to her face, rain streaking down her face like tears would have, her gown flowing around her legs as it swept the floor. Her gray eyes were the color of the sky. 

Rain streaked down her face tenderly, brushing at her skin, trying to remind her of love, of her dance in the rain, of how he took her there...she brushed it aside angrily. _Why does every damn thing remind me of him!?_ she screamed mentally, not even knowing if she said the words. This was insanity, and to hell if she cared. 

She stopped in the middle of the street, staring back at her house, rain trickling down the sides of her face, her blue nightgown clinging to her skin, her black hair dripping down her back. She stared at her house, barely visible in the darkness, the door wide open, looking like a monster with a huge gaping mouth. Someone was standing there. 

She was quite still and didn't say anything. The person turned slowly and caught sight of her. There was total silence, and somewhere in the distance, thunder boomed. The man turned and walked towards her until he was facing her, and until she could see his face. 

Sirius Black. 

It was Him. Arabella clenched her fists. She hated him, but at the same time, her heart gave a leap in her chest, and she clenched her fists tighter, furious at herself, wanting to do nothing more than slap him across the face....

His eyes were dead, black, no life in the depths, staring at her in hardness, staring at her. Then he spoke, and his voice cut her like a knife, full of scorn. "I bet you thought I meant it when I said I loved you. Pathetic, really." 

Rage flew up in Arabella and without thought she ran across to him, punching him in the face, and she was screaming, screaming and punching and kicking as he grabbed for his wand, pointing it at her—

_"Crucio!"_

Arabella screamed, and this was a scream of pain, falling to the ground as her entire body spasamed, shaking uncontrollably on the ground as a thousand needles pricked into her head, as a thousand knives slashed at her skin—

Then it was over, as quickly as it had started, Arabella panting on the ground, rage still clogging her vision, her senses. "You never understood." His voice was quiet over her. "You were pathetic. You didn't deserve to live." 

Arabella closed her eyes and relaxed against the ground, her face finally breaking into a smile at last. She was going to die. 

_"Avada Kedavra."_

* * *

Lightning flashed outside her window and Arabella sat bolt upright in bed, sweating and panting. It was just a dream. Just a damned dream...

She put her head in her hands, staring at her sheets, panting. She would kill him. She would kill that bastard if it was the last thing she ever did. 

Sitting up in bed, she stared out the window, stared out at the rain, falling softly against her window, pattering softly in the tune she knew so well. Her shoulders sagged and she relaxed for the first time in years, resting her head against the window. "You've destroyed me," she whispered brokenly in the dark, and her voice caught. 

Outside, lightning flashed, and the doorbell rang. 


	3. Chapter Two: Dance In the Rain

**Living in the Past  
Chapter 2: Dance in the Rain**

**Summary:** Thirteen yeaars ago, nothing could have seperated them. Now everything has changed. What is the price of love? Impersonation is a dangerous game, especially in love. Continuation on Snowlily's, Sirius/Arabella, end of GoF, AU. 

**Disclaimer:** The prologue belongs to the awesome, the wonderful, the beautiful Snowlily, as well as the ideas and majority of this chapter and the next one. All the characters belong to JK. 

**Notes:** Things that happened in OotP are happening inexplicably early, such as the Lestranges being free (oops). Oh well. Author's priveleges and all that, right? 

* * *

The doorbell rang. 

Arabella was silent, and the whole house seemed very still, holding its breath as it waited for what would happen. She didn't have to get up to know who it was. And she didn't have to get her wand to know how to kill him. The doorbell rang again, and this time Arabella pushed the sheets aside and slipped quietly out of bed, picking up her wand from the bedside table. She looked like a madwoman, hair splayed behind her, wand in hand, creeping through her own house, but she didn't care. Her mind was focused on one thing. At the front door, she straightened and stared at it. Worlessly, she opened it. 

It was raining. 

He stood there, staring at her, suddenly quiet. The silence was broken only by the rain. They stared into each other's eyes, wordlessly, wands at their sides. Arabella simply stood there, her mind in turmoil, wanting to break down and cry, but at the same time, she was calm. _He makes me calm..._

No, he did anything but. She stared past him, and lightning flashed, and she remembered. She remembered every dream she had ever had where he killed her, where he tortured her, where she did nothing. "I bet you think this is funny," she said quietly. 

"What?" Sirius asked, his face shocked, but Arabella ignored him. Her voice was soft, deadly, calm. 

"I bet you thought it was funny." She stepped closer to him, facing him. He was taller than she by inches. "I bet you thought it was just so funny, me loving you. I bet you laughed when you betrayed them, and I bet you thought it was so funny when I said I'd marry you, didn't you? You thought you'd break me, thought you'd mock me. You thought I'd be nothing. Is it funny now?" 

There was silence, and Sirius's face was filled with horror. Oh, God, Arabella. What had he done...? What happened to her? 

"Well, guess what," she said, her voice still soft. "You were wrong. You wrecked my life. Happy? But I'm not broken. You will never break me. I didn't need you. I don't. And I'm going to kill you." 

Raising her wand, she pointed it at his chest. Sirius stared at her, and his eyes widened. In a flash of lightning, he looked into her eyes and saw lightning flashing, saw pain flickering, saw anguish, saw tears. "Will you really kill me?" he asked quietly. "For something I didn't do?" 

"You'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you?" Arabella spat at him, her eyes filled with loathing and anger, tears spilling out of them. Her words were hot and fast. "You'd like me to believe that you didn't do it, anything to make me believe? Well I'm not buying it! Too many damned times you told me you loved me, too many times you laughed at me and told me it was a lie!" 

She shoved her wand harder at his chest. They were both standing in the rain now, rain trickling down her cheeks, mingling with tears. "Do you even know what you did to me?" she snarled. "What you put me through? Because of you, I've never been able to sing. I've never been able to stand out in the rain because of that damned time you took me dancing!" 

She was frustrated, now. She looked like a child, angry and upset, tears trickling down her face in a temper tantrum. "I've never been able to love anyone because you had my heart in your damned pocket!"

Sirius felt a shiver go down his spine and he was very still. "And what did you do with mine?" he asked softly. "What did you do with my heart the thirteen years I was in Azkaban?" 

Arabella's eyes widened; he had caught her off guard. "I never stopped loving you," he said softly. "Do you know the first memory I got back outside of Azkaban? It was raining. Guess." 

Arabella stood very still. "The dance," she whispered unwillingly. 

"I was outside the fortress, transformed, and it started to rain as I jumped in the water to swim back to mainland. The first thing I remembered was holding you in the rain. And it made me cry." 

Arabella's face was crumpling rapidly, her wand shaking. "Because I loved you." 

Arabella finally reached her limit. She crumpled inward, collapsing into Sirius's arms, her sobs shaking her entire body, thirteen years worth of bottled up pain and anguish pouring out of her, and Sirius held her gently in the pouring rain. She cried, her body shaking, unable to speak as she clung to Sirius as if he were her last link to life. Sirius laid his cheek on Arabella's hair, feeling his own guilt and sorrow well up inside of him. He left her to this...

He watched the crying girl, his heart aching. "I'm sorry," he whispered, holding her gently until she could not cry anymore. 

* * *

Malfoy gave a silent sigh of relief. "We have found him, my Lord," he said, careful to keep his voice silent of all emotion. Voldemort turned to look at Malfoy, and he gave a curt nod. 

"Finally." 

Malfoy flinched at both the tone and the memory of what had happened to him for 'dwadling' before. "He is at Figg's House," he said quickly. "Our informants found them at her house earlier tonight, about midnight. They're probably still there." 

"I do not trust you farther than I can see you, Malfoy," Voldemort said curtly, and Malfoy flinched. "But I will let you do this. Get a crew in there and capture them. If you cannot capture Black, bring me Figg, but I want both of them alive. The Lestranges will interrogate them once you returh. I trust your imbecility does not prevent you from doing just this much?" he asked icily, and Malfoy bowed his head, sweating under his hood as those red eyes lit upon him. 

"We will capture them, my lord, and we will bring them back," he said, gibbering, barely knowing what he was saying. "We will not fail you in this, we will bring Black here to you--" he cut off as Voldemort waved a hand to silence him. His eyes were soft and dangerous.

"Stop gibbering, Malfoy. I want Black and I want to know what he knows. Go. Bring him here."

Malfoy bowed and turned, nearly running out of the room. Crabbe was outside the door, and he turned to him sharply. "Go and bring Avery and Nott," Malfoy said sharply. "Move!"

Crabbe ran off and Malfoy clenched his teeth. He hated it; the cringing, the groveling, the fear that constantly seemed to be in him. He was not a man who was easily cowed, but the Dark Lord did it with such humiliating ease that it made Malfoy clench his teeth. _Someday,_ he thought viciously, but the thought was cut off.

"Why so tense, Lucius?" a voice behind him breathed, and he stiffened automatically, cold replacing the warmth of anger inside him. He turneda round and faced Bellatrix Lestrange. She had flourished out of Azkaban and looked almost healthy; her hair was full and thick again, her figure filled out, dark and sensous as ever; only her gray eyes showed the hollowness of years in Azkaban. 

"I don't have time for this," Malfoy said, taking a step backwards. "I have to capture Black and Figg...or did you not hear, Bella?" he asked, trying to sound cruel and sneering. It was something he did quite well. But it did not affect Bellatrix--it never had. She always had seemed amused by his pathetic attempts to cow her and scorned him for it.

"I heard," she said, her full lips curving in a secretive smile that sent shivers down Malfoy's back. "Then you'd better, hadn't you?"

Malfoy backed away slowly, his eyes never leaving Bellatrix. Her smile widened as he left, and she threw back her head and laughed, alone in the empty hallway as Malfoy turned and fled. Arabella Figg; her ancient adversary, such as it were. They could be twins; both with long, black silky hair, gray eyes, same skin tone, same figure, probably the same shoe size, if it came to that. Arabella had impersonated her in the past; she wasn't called the Mistress of Disguise for nothing, and Bellatrix had never made the mistake of underestimating her enemy. The fact that Arabella could fool even other Death Eaters did not surpriser her either; they were all fools and imbeciles. 

It was an intricate dance, with two interchangeable partners. The only thing that seperated them was the intent of their souls. Bella and Bella. That was what they had been called. 

For they had been friends, once. Very long ago. People had called them twins, sisters, and that was when they had begun the great impersonation game, exchanging lives with the other when they were only five years old. And they had grown apart, yet still changed lives, changed sides, danced in and out of the darkness and the light until things blurred on either side. Until thirteen years ago.

Bella smiled. Now, the game was to begin again.

* * *


End file.
